Thursday, November 8, 2007

The things we would tell ourselves...

I like this whole blogging thing, but i like reading other people's blogs better. Some people just have the words, some people actually get them down for others to read. I've just read two great blogs. People i don't even know, but I read their blogs religiously now. I've only recently found them and I am inspired to be a better writer, not to be famous, but to maybe touch a few hearts as they and others have touched mine. Two blogs I read are Gluten Free Girl, this one brought me to tears a few days ago:
and then I am reading Nothing But Bonfires (thanks Rach, for enlightening me) this post, made me cry too.. (the tears were good tears mind you, not the sad kind, much better good then sad!)
They may be silly little stories of love and loss and love again, but they are beautiful. I am a silly cry baby girl sometimes. What do I care?
Nothing but Bonfires was talking about what we would tell ourselves if we could go back.
For example, if I could go back to high school, I would go back to the girl I was at 17 and tell her to slow down, to try and not be in such a hurry to grow up. To enjoy the moments and the never-ending laughter. That silly high school crushes aren't the end of it all, and that boy you liked for 3 years, you actually remained friends with all these years later. I would say Sabrina, enjoy these moments, because being an adult has it's freedoms, but not the freedoms that you have now.
Maybe I would go back to myself at 20... On my way to New Hampshire to begin a new phase of life. Oh but I was so sad and heartbroken. Having to say goodbye to your first real love can be devastatingly hard. The tears, the agony. But you made it ok, you had one of the best years, good and bad of your life! You really did!
The things i could say to myself if i could just only go back. The tears aren't forever. The pain will go away, and soon you will be ok!
But you can't go back can you? There is no time machine. There is no rewind button. But you can go forward. You can learn from all the experiences that have shaped you and you can choose. Choose to live life or choose to let life live you. Learn from your mistakes, your heartbreaks, your oops i did it again moments! But learn from the loving and the laughter and the beauty of ordinary happy moments. Take it all in, and know that in the end, You will be ok. You will, you will, you will! God is good and grace is enough.
Which reminds me of some words i wrote in may fake poem book many years ago. it's a fake poem book because i don't know if my poems qualify as real poetry. some do, but i don't think this one does. I wrote this after a sad break-up with a boy a bunch of years, maybe 3 now? ago. I can't believe i'm going to actually write it out... if i don't melt from embarrassment i may write some more of my poems down in the future. but don't hold your breath.

this is me and the story of
moving on. how does that work? does
the clock strike the time and you pick your
head-up and pick your tissues up and rub the smudge of
mascara a bit messy but nonetheless battle wounds
for the showing. turn the morose music off angry music too
and put on that dance record. maybe walk to the coffee book
shop store. maybe laugh out loud LOUD to prove that
you still can. maybe even dance to that dance record
mentioned earlier. jump up and down with shades up
and then you stop the hang up phone calls and the late
night drive-bys you don't have to forget the memories because
you know you can't. but you don't re-read the letters you don't
entertain the thoughts you can cry but soon less and less and less and less.
you come to the end of your day you realize you only had one, maybe two
thoughts about him. and that is ok because honestly silly girl how many thoughts
did he have of you.
plus don't forget this
you will love again
and chances are
you will be loved
again too
more more more
you will you will
you will.

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